Chosen

I have this weird little thing about me (well I have MANY weird little things about me) and it is really stinky. If I wake up (whether it be 2:00 or 6:00) and stay up for longer than a few minutes, I am up for the day. I am sure this is a totally foreign concept for those of you who grasp sleep like it is your last crumb of bread. Don't get me wrong, I love my sleep and this quirk is maddening sometimes, but alas, it is what it is. For the record, my wake up alarm was a mix between coughing, having to pee and little 19 month old turkey that thinks 3:00 in the morning is play time.

Anyways, as I was laying in my bed, trying to go back to sleep, I started reflexing on the last 6 to 8 years of my life. I have been feeling a bit sentimental lately due to Asher's 1 year anniversary and all the memories that packing for Florida has brought.

There were some very tough times in those years. Ryan and I's secondary infertility seemed pretty unbearable at the time. I felt it was my right to bear children and how dare anyone take one of my "rights" away, including God. In hindsight I think I spent more time on a soapbox with God than what I did morning the potential loss of future children (although that was there too). You know though, God has a way of getting things back to the right order. Maybe I made bearing children a god, I can't be sure, but I know that our Lord is a jealous God and He will not stand for competition.

Our losses during those times still sting, but I am amazed at how much I have changed through out this process. I still cannot see the full picture, but I am totally in awe at how God formed my family. I went from planning to have 4 biological children (and was well on our way to that) to having 6 children from 3 different parts of the world. I found myself thinking this morning, "what changed?" Sure, Ryan and I experienced infertility and that was the kick off to where we are now, but why did we even experience infertility in the first place (while we had some possible medical causes we never really knew for sure)? Why did we have to not only go through the loss of an ability, but the loss of children? I still have questions, but at this point in our journey I just overwhelmingly feel like Ryan and I were chosen. I cannot tell you how humbling that is to me.

In general, as a Christian, I know what it means to be chosen by God. Everyone has the opportunity to be chosen. This morning though it was different. It was the first time I reflexed on the last few years and just knew that God hand picked Ryan and I. He hand picked us for the pain and for the immense joy that came out of the pain. Feeling blessed doesn't even describe it. I never would have chosen to experiencing infertility. If it were up to me, we would be sitting here today with our 4 stair stepped children. Don't get me wrong, that would have been a beautiful thing, but I deeply feel we have experienced so much more than my plans for myself. God allowed us to experience the pain, but He didn't leave us there. He could have and would have been completely justified in doing so, but He didn't. Praise God that our lives are in His hands and not our own.

I guess I offer our/my experience to you, not only as a somewhat interesting thing to read on our blog, but as an encouragement. First off, where is God in your order of things? Is He squarely at the top? He won't settle for anything less. Also, if you are going through something right now, maybe you could focus on what God is teaching you in the moment and not how many days you have left until you are through your misery. Pain is a part of life. Nobody enjoys pain. In hindsight though, I wish that I wouldn't have wished so much time away and would have just rested in the moment. At times I counted the indefinite days until the misery was over and you know what? My baby girl and baby boy grew up. I surely missed some quality time with them pining over things that were out of my control. What is God chosing you for? Do you have the ability to trust him through the pain?

Julie