The comfort of Heaven

You know sometimes I long for Heaven. Not in the sense that things are so bad here, not at all, I have a beautiful life. But there are times when I just find intense comfort in knowing that the God of this world is preparing a place for us. A place with no tears and no sadness. Much like everyone else, I have had trials in my life when things were miserable. I praise God though that my times of desperation have been far from me for a while. Tonight however, I was longing again for a peace that only Jesus can give. I almost feel pathetic even admitting to what was so heavy on my heart because I have seen real tragedy in this world. I think though that maybe other mom's like me will understand.

As Ryan and I lay in bed tonight I relayed to him the prayer Madeline had said before bed. Madeline really has precious prayers. In some ways she sounds wiser than her years and in others so like a child in the way she tries to mimic the prayers she has heard. Tonight's prayer was very typical and at the time, while sweet, it didn't strike more of an emotional chord than it normally does. For some reason though as we laid in bed, I found myself desperately wishing I had that little prayer seared in my memory. 10 or even 5 years from now I am going to want that moment that I shared tonight with Madeline (and Anna) back. Time goes so incredibly fast and as I delight in my children growing, there are moments that feel downright unbearable. Tonight was one of those night.

Tears just streamed down my face (as they are now) as I thought about all the missed opportunities with my kids. How many times do they ask to help and I say "no" because I know it will take twice as long. How often in a given day do I just sit down and color with them or play a game that they like. I am ashamed to say, not very often. I don't doubt that Satan uses guilt as one of his favorite tools, but for me it seems that every time I get sad that my babies are no longer babies, my next immediate thought is "you waste so much time on things that don't matter." While I can recognize that truly I do not think I am an awful mom, there is some truth to that thought and I intend to remedy this situation to some extent.

Well, I digress because what I really wanted to say was that in the midst of my heavy heart I was reminded of a conversation that I just had with a good friend of mine. This is the same friend that just lost her son a couple months back. We were talking about how we, as humans, place such an emphasis on time, especially when it relates to death. Her baby boy was "too young to die." But you know I really don't think God looks at life like we do at all. I think time is somewhat irrelevant to Him. This thought and my knowledge of Heaven brought such comfort to me tonight. I look at my babies, from 1 yr old to 12 and think "they are getting so big, so fast," but I know that when we all get to Heaven this will be barely a blink in God's eye. Yes, as a mom, I second guess myself a lot and it can be sad to watch my children grow, but what a joy it is to know that the time will come that everything will be ok. I won't feel sad that I missed some opportunities with my kids anymore, I won't feel sad because I will never hear that little 4 yr olds prayer again. My friend won't feel sad because her baby boy "died too young." Do I love my life, the good and the bad? More than I can say. Do I long for the perfect Heaven that only God can create? You bet.

Julie